Rabbi's Teachings

Difficult Conversations 101

The past three weeks in shul I have taught about the importance of having difficult conversations.

With tensions at an all-time high regarding local, national, and international matters, I have noticed that typically, people tend to disengage. Disengagement can be in the form of fight or flight, in the form of attack or a complete ceasing of relationship. Neither or these things is a conversation. A difficult conversation is built on trust in both the other and in one’s self that one can say what they need to say and have the other person receive what is said. One does not have to agree at all with the person they are conversing with, but they do need to have a heart that is set towards connection, rather than rejection. 

For three weeks, I taught shul attendees Difficult Conversations 101. First we learned that, like Korah, we can let our anger cloud our judgment and use our words to try to put someone in their place as a form of retribution. The takeaway was that when we do use our words to attack, we aren’t just attacking a person’s ideals, but we are actually attacking the person's body. The next week we learned that our own egos can get in the way of wanting to have deep connections, like Moses when he hit the rock. The takeaway was we need to approach difficult situations with humility–that we don’t always know the best way through. Finally, last week we learned, straight from a Donkey’s mouth (literally, it was a wild portion) that conversations should be tools of curiosity, to understand your own and other’s points of view. The takeaway was that we can use difficult conversations to build relationships with people who are diametrically opposed to us in every way with a little curiosity.

There is certainly something in the water, to put it mildly, that has made for a very fraught period of time. One can not turn on the local or national news without feeling dizzy, confused, or even angry. It is so easy to just simply become numb to it all or to let these feelings bubble out of you. I believe that neither of these will heal our local community or our country. We really need to remember, or perhaps learn for the first time, how to disagree. Please use the below guideline’s to help you navigate how to re-engage with those you might have simply turned away from due to lack of common ground. I hope you will dedicate these far too short weeks between now and the holiday learning more about what you stand for as well as trying to get curious with others. I pray that it is a practice of healing for you, for our community, and for our nation. 

If this is something you want to learn how to do but feel stuck, my door is always open.

May I be the first to wish you a very early, but not too early, Shana Tova. May 5785 be a year of relationship and healing.

B’shalom,

Rabbi Chaya Bender

Guidelines for Dialogue Rather than Debate

Listen with a view of wanting to understand, rather than listening with a view of countering what we hear.

Listen for strengths so as to affirm and learn, rather than listening for weaknesses so as to discount and devalue.

Speak for ourselves from our own understanding and experiences, rather than speaking based on our assumptions about others’ positions and motives.

Ask questions to increase understanding, rather than asking questions to trip up or to confuse.

Allow others to complete their communications, rather than interrupting or changing the topic.

Keep our remarks as brief as possible and invite the quieter, less vocal participant into the conversation,rather than letting the stronger voice dominate.

Concentrate on others’ words and feelings, rather than focusing on the next point we want to make.

Accept others’ experiences as real and valid for them, rather than critiquing others’ experiences as distorted or invalid.

Allow the expression of real feelings (in ourselves and in others) for understanding and catharsis, rather than expressing our feelings to manipulate others and deny their feelings are legitimate.

Honor silence, rather than using silence to gain advantage.